The Healer heals in many different ways.
To begin, this is something I've been wanting to write for awhile, but have (subconsciously) been avoiding. Although I’ve shared this with many, I felt comfort in holding it from everyone; or rather, from everyone on the internet to read. It's funny how comfortable we are with sin- or rather, how comfortable we are with keeping things in the dark and holding onto shame. But, I want my comfort to only be in Christ- which is a daily process.
With that being said, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety in January 2018. This was honestly no shock to me as it was normal for me to stay in my room alone an abnormal amount as a little girl, had suicidal thoughts and tendencies since jr. high, and overall was in a constant depressive state. I felt it was wrong to express my feelings so I would always hold them in, which resulted in explosions once a year. Some days I wouldn't have control over my body and wouldn’t know how to breathe- which I later found out were anxiety attacks.
But, my symptoms are not what I want to focus on at the moment. What I want to focus on is how I thought it was a sin to have depression and anxiety and even a sin to get it “fixed” specifically through medicine.
I’m a strong believer that God can heal and do anything. I’ve seen Jehovah Rapha heal through prayer and the laying of hands; there’s nothing to big for the blood of Christ to overcome and there’s nothing that can stop the Spirit from doing the work it’s destined to do. Jesus has healed me of hate, sexual addiction, and much more through the power of prayer. There have been many times I’ve cried on my knees asking God to take away my depression and there have been people who have laid hands on me. Eventually, feeling defeated, I claimed that my depression and anxiety were gone as I tried to push it aside; unfortunately, it does not work that way. Not long after, it stopped coming in waves but began staying for days and months. I realized the severity of it when I saw the toll it was taking on Daniel. How much longer could he be strong for me as he watched me stay in bed for days, held me as I would shake uncontrollably, or as he would be worried out of his mind as I would take long drives with my phone off without telling him where I was going? I knew I couldn't keep doing this to him and myself, especially once we got married; and it terrified me thinking of how much worse it would be once we had kids.
So began my journey of finding other means of getting help. I began seeing a counselor who told me I should get tests done and see if medicine would be a good fit for me. I talked to a friend who had been dealing with similar things as me who me began taking medicine. And one day at church, someone began talking of how God reconciles in many different ways, such as using people on earth to create wheelchairs for those whose legs are impaired or casts for those who break their arm. In the same way, God uses people to create modern medicine to help those with a cold or even a chemical imbalance- such as depression and anxiety. Due to the fall of man, we live in a sinful world and thus we are born sinful. It is not God’s doing that people are born without legs; it is not God’s doing that women experience miscarriages; it is not God’s doing that people are born with down syndrome; and it is not God’s doing that I was born with depression and anxiety. It is not due to my circumstances, but due to the fall.
But thankfully God is always at work in this fallen world. Just as His Spirit is at work through prayer and the laying of hands, He is just as much at work through scientists who create medicine. It’s been a process learning and being at terms with the fact that God heals in more ways than I’ve experienced and been taught. But to say that God only heals through prayer and the laying of hands is putting Him in a box.
With that being said, I have seen the power and goodness of God through taking medicine for my illness. Days have gotten a lot better and much brighter. The Lord has reconciled me through modern medicine and it may be that way until He comes and restores everything once and for all.
For those hiding their illness in shame, bring it to the light. Once you do, the enemy cannot have control anymore and God can do what He does best: heal. It's a process; a painful and at some times a slow one, but it is one full of growth. And don't be afraid to talk to someone. If the first step for you is talking to a stranger, my email is firstname.lastname@example.org. Here's to the Healer healing in many different ways.